The Best Job on Earth

So Today...

I was filtering through the websites that haunt me daily... cnn.com, foxnews.com, ebay.com, paypal.com, reddit.com, ew.com, citicards.com, bofa.com, nascar.com, espn.com, upi.com, netflix.com, finance.yahoo.com, cmr.com when I realized that all these websites have one thing in common. They can't seem to keep my interest for the entire workday. Sure, I read them all... and when I say I read them all, I mean that I read the sub section of world entertainment news on fox. This is bad people. Not only is it bad that I read all that stuff while I'm at the office, the worst part is that I can do it relatively fast.

If I get to work right at 8:00am I can be done with looking at ALL those websites before 9:00am. The rest of my day then begins in 15 minutes intervals waiting for all these sites to update. The only trouble is that something major only happens around once a week. This week, I'm saying that the plane crash in the Hudson River will be the biggest story... you can count on it. They need to try and hush-up some of the negative vibes that America has been getting for the 2nd half of the bailout and the war in Israel.

But yesterday, something strange happened. As I went to foxnews.com I noticed that the main article wasn't something about Obama or the Palestinians... it was about some sort of dream job. Of course I click on the article to find that the country of Australia is offering the job of the century. Hang out on your own private island for 6 months, get paid six figures, and party balls with the guests. I tried all day to apply, but alas; the site crashed before I could send out my application. I spent the better part of today trying to get the page to load so that I could finish sending my application when I noticed something new on their site. All applicants now have to send in a video resume explaining why they should be chosen.

There are a few reasons that I can think of right off the bat why I would be perfect for this job... I'm an alcoholic, an organizer, an ok writer, and overall enjoyer of good times. While I'm having this "good time" I usually obsess about whether or not my guests are also enjoying themselves to the fullest. It is kind-of a character flaw, and has made the women that hang out with me rather annoyed (because they don't get attention when we go out). They just can't seem to understand that sometimes its nice to know that everyone around you is having a good time even if you aren't because you're constantly worrying.

So tonight I am going to make this video they want. I am going to try and be funny, clever, and most importantly... liked. I know that a lot of the people will be sending in applications from all over the world. Like tens of thousands of people. I'm just hoping that they'll like a simpleton from Texas who's never really seen the world. Growing up in Dallas wasn't terrible by any means, but I think that I might be ready for a large change like this. It could be really REALLY fun to just cut lose for a little while. Before the working world became so competitive I think they called this sort of "self finding activity" BACK PACKING. Well at least that's what you told your parents while you went to Prague and did ecstasy for 6 months (while enjoying the best prostitutes the world has to offer).

Tomorrow brings a Friday... and a weekly report due date... guess I should finish typing that up before I leave for the day.

L.A. - Part 2 (there's still more)...

WEEK SIX (Part Two) – I am so glad that the first half of the week went as well as we all new it would. I would be lying if I told you the second half was as fun, but it was still exciting because… as usual we were drinking quite heavily. On Friday the entire gang got off work early because there were hardly any employees working in LA. Everyone seemed to think it would be easy to get the rest of the week off if the 4th was on a Wednesday.

Last time I checked it isn’t appropriate for an intern to ask for a vacation, so I toughed it out with my buddies at work… well at least the real ones (I think Sam and Jimmy didn’t go into work because their girlfriends were in town). So Royce got off around 1:00ish and I got off around 3:00ish, it was a lovely day. When I got home I didn’t think anyone was going to be around… we had these new guests arrive during the day Morgan, Abby, and Candi, and I thought people were going to pick them up at the airport.

I turned on a Phish show from 12-01-1995 (A Gamehendge Show) and watched the Man vs. Wild marathon on the Discovery channel. At some point during the show I heard loud noises coming from the pool area. I walked outside and saw all of our friends laying out and sitting in the hot tub. I waved at everyone, but didn’t really feel like walking all the way to the pool to chat with people who were coming back to the apartment shortly. So I had a few glasses of wine and drank the only cold beer that was still in the fridge… which was very nice after the boring day at work. Eventually everyone came back upstairs and we all chatted about life or something like it. Abby got one of those new iPhones, and it was really fun to play with. Chris drank a lot of wine with me while we waited for Royce and the girls to get ready.

Everyone came back over around 7:00ish to have a few cocktails before a dinner party that we were all suppose to go to. Mr. Wilson and some of the parents we had been meeting over the course of the summer set up a dinner at this Mexican restaurant called Laires on Pico. It was the same place that they took us on the first night that we were all here. This time we had a huge group of parents and friends. It was really fun to have margaritas with everyone and a nice dinner. Missouri came along, and she hasn’t been bringing along John anymore (the gay friend), so that has been a real treat. All the kids that knew Royce kinda sat at one table, and all the parents and people that knew Ashley sat at the other table. I will have to say that everyone seemed to get pretty drunk on the margaritas while we ate dinner. After dinner the Wilson’s decided to drive Royce’s car home, so we had to squeeze in Sam Cole’s car, it was a tight fit, but we made it.

Ashley drove it around the area of Santa Monica looking for a fun bar to go to. The first place that we went was really crowded, so we didn’t even attempt to wait in line. So we drove to the bar Bugsby’s because it is really big, and we wouldn’t have to worry about the line there. As we all started to go into the bar, Jimmy got turned down (big surprise… he bought his new id from a Mexican in Macarthur Park… it’s a California, but since we are in California, the bouncers can spot it pretty easily), so most of us were still going to the bar… but just then some of the girls we were with got turned down as well.

Once I got in, I found out there was a ten dollar charge if you had a penis… no thanks, I hate it when bars charge a cover for dudes… it makes me sick. When/If I ever own a night club, I am going to let in ugly people with no cover. So I didn’t have any cash and we decided that it would be a better idea to just leave and go drink at the apartment. We picked up some booze on the way back to our place, and we all got better attitudes about the evening. We didn’t need to go to a fancy bar, we already had our friends with us… and that’s all that mattered (cheesy… but true, we didn’t need those Cali fucks at the bar).

So we had a dance party (womb style) until the neighbors told us that we were waking up their kids. After that, we had to put a limit on how loud the music could go. It was still fun, and we did this for a really long time. Eventually, everyone started to pass out… and I went to bed with Missouri. The next morning we woke up first and decided that people needed to start drinking before the Beach Club. Since so many people shoot off fire works in LA on the forth, the BC always does it a little bit later so the members can see a cool show. Missouri and I went and bought Champagne and breakfast stuff so we could cook for everyone. We made some eggs, biscuits, and bacon for everyone. It was pretty good. I was impressed. So we drank, but not everyone thought it was a great idea to get smashed around 10 in the morning. I have no idea why… but apparently that is what these out-of-towners do (Abby, Morgan, and Candi). The rest of us partook in the festivities prior to the Beach Club. Royce realized that we either needed to all squeeze in one car, or get some cabs… so we thought it would be a better idea to get in Royce’s Tahoe.

So I drove to the Club and discovered that the Wilson’s had already taken the one spot allotted for their family… we drove across the path to the public parking area, and luckily found a spot. Everyone walked along the Boardwalk to get to the Beach Club because we parked so far away. When we got there Royce signed us in, and we got our over 21 bracelets so we could have a great day of Mai Tai’s. The guys (except me) all went down to the ocean to boogie board and such… I went with all the girls to eat lunch with Ed. I had the Turkey Special (turkey, cheese, and bacon grilled to perfection) and was as good as always. After the group was done I met up with Chris and decided that in order to drink around noon we would have to do it inside so that we didn’t get judged.

We sat at the bar for a while and had two Mai Tai’s each before I realized that Chris was starting to get a little drunk. We got our third and went back down to the beach to sit with everyone. When we finally got back to the Wilson area we saw something a little weird; everyone was asleep. Pretty bunk for a Saturday afternoon. So as it turns out only Chris and I were partaking in the Mai Tai’s. The afternoon went on and the parents finally started drinking with us around five. We found out that we were could eat at the buffet the BC was putting up near the other restaurant around 7ish… so before we walked over there Chris and I got another drink. As we were walking to the buffet I saw that Dave Matthews was playing live on TV and stopped to watch for a second. Before I knew it I was in the conversation with some hippie member talking about Phish and the Grateful Dead.

Chris and I talked to this guy for a long time before we made it out of the club house. Once we got to the dinner area, almost everyone was finished eating. The girls and Royce let me know that Chris was acting like an idiot, and I needed to cut him off before he embarrassed the Wilson’s any further. I had no idea that he was being that ludicrous, but hey… I couldn’t really tell (lying, he was wasted). So Mrs. Wilson put me on watch to make sure that he didn’t drink anymore. After dinner we walked back down to the beach and threw the pig skin around for about an hour. Once it got dark the GM of the club came over the intercom to let us know that the firework show was going to start at 9ish.

And boy did it ever… the show was amazing… one of the best I have seen… mainly because I have always been at camp when the 4th is going on… and the shows they put on are crap. So after we finished the show we went inside and saw that they had turned the BC into a nightclub. They moved all the furniture and were having a crazy party… pretty cool. We danced for a little while, but decided ultimately that we needed to get out of there and head to a bar. We went back to our apartment to figure out the plans, but once we did that… no one wanted to do anything except sleep. I stayed awake the longest drinking by myself and watching “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” episodes. At least those kept me entertained… Missouri didn’t drink that day because she had to drive home after the fireworks show.

So I went to sleep around 2:30 or 3:00… and had a really good time doing it. The next morning I woke up around 10ish and decided that I wasn’t really going to do anything on that day. Everyone else went to the Canal and Venice Beach to eat. I just ordered a pizza and watched the show “Ugly Betty” all day (just kidding). At some point during the day our guests departed… Morgan left first… Abby, Candi, and Heather were next… then Harrison… then Sam (Jimmy’s girlfriend), she left late Sunday night and made her complete stay in our lives 2 weeks and some change.

Well at least the apartment is back to normal… but we have guests coming in town this week as well, so that should be very interesting. Sunday night we cooked tacos at the house and watched the movie “The Siege.” I hadn’t seen it in a while, and it was a pretty good. Also, all the Two Buck Chuck wine that we bought is officially gone… that was a case a person in just three weeks… gross… until next week, I hope this holds you over…

Los Angeles... Yeah, I Made That City My Bitch

We left Friday afternoon around 3:30pm because every person that was coming to Vegas had bosses that wanted us to avoid traffic. They are very nice people if you ask me. I drove home quickly and was able to pack in about 2 minutes (way too excited).

So I took some boxers, a nice button down, a blazer, linen paints, a normal polo, toiletries, and a swim suit. I figured this would be enough stuff for the two nights we were going to be there. The drive was fun because we had the car packed with the five of us. We behaved while in the car because we figured that it would be a wise idea not to drink while on Highway 15. We missed most of the traffic, but once we were 29 miles out of Vegas, there was a terrible wreck. We were stopped in that for about an hour and a half. Once we got into the city it took forever to find a parking spot at the Bellagio Hotel and Casino.

We eventually found a spot on like the top floor of the garage, and packed our backpacks/bags with alcohol that we had brought for the trip. Walking into the Casino is always really fun because the oxygen they pump in always makes me feel confident. I went to the front desk with Royce to check in, but they wouldn’t let the room go on Royce’s name because he wasn’t 21… haha. We got our room keys and made our way up to the room in the Spa Tower of the hotel. Our room was nice and large with three beds, so we had enough room for the six guys that were going to be sleeping in there. Right when we dropped off our bags, I was like; before I drink I want to go gamble for a second.

I took 200 dollars cash down to the roulette table and started to gamble. I put 200 on red, and it hit, so I took my 400 back to the room in a great mood from what had just happened. Once I got back, the people I was with thought that gambling was going to be that easy… wrong choice, they didn’t know that I was just lucky. We drank a bottle of bourbon and a bottle of vodka before we went down stairs to gamble and drink. By this time it was already 2:00am. We went to the roulette table where I had won my 200 bucks before. I showed them what it meant to have a little balls and put down the 400 I had won on black. It hit, and I walked away with 800 dollars. The people I was could not believe that I just won 600 bucks in two spins. They started pulling money out of their accounts and making the same stupid bets that I was making. They did not have the same luck as me. I did not gamble until the next night around 5 in the morning. I sat and watched Royce lose, 400; Sam lose, 500; Jimmy lose, 300; Peter lose, 1000; and as for Chris, that’s a completely different story.

He took out 1000 dollars, lost it! He then started to ask people walking past him if he could borrow a cigarette. The person that finally stopped to give him one was a nice looking lady. This is how their conversation went… I shit you not!

Can I borrow a cigarette?
Sure you can...Are you a Hooker?
Yes I am...
Let's go
-Chris Rittelmeyer

…So that was a very interesting thing to see. He walked back to our room with the hooker, and proceeded to do what you do with a hooker. After his little party in room 20605, he came back down to the casino feeling like a new man. He decided that it was a good idea to take out another 700 from the ATM (This now takes his total to 2100 in one night). He continues to gamble, and loses all of that as well. One night, down 2100 on a hooker and roulette table… absolutely hard to watch. The best part about this was, the next day, he didn’t remember the hooker, or taking out that last 700 bucks. Royce and I were the only ones that stayed awake all night, and went down to the pool around 8 or so. Royce past out by the pool and I decided that it would most likely be a good idea for me to do the same.

Around 11, I woke up to a burned Royce (because I had left him past out by the pool, hehe). Peter, Chris, and I walked over to Caesar’s Place to go down the mall and find something good to eat. We ended up getting a lovely meal at The Palm restaurant. I thought the one at Caesar’s was better than the one in Dallas. We had some beers and a few shots before we paid our tab. This made Chris feel a little better (towards the moral and physical hangover). We decided to gamble a little bit on the way back to our room, but I did no such thing… just watched from a safe distance. During this time, Royce, Jimmy, and Sam went to the pool at the Palms Hotel and Casino because the kids at that pool are more our age. Walking back into the Bellagio Chris and I decided to check out the pool. Peter left us, and we had a few drinks while sitting in some nice chairs. While down there we met some SAE’s from LSU, and took some shots with them before going back to our room. We went to the room and decided it would be a good idea to start drinking heavily because our dinner reservations were at 5:30pm at CraftSteak in the MGM Grand. We waited to leave until Royce and crew got back from the Palms… but once they did we had to haul ass over to the Grand because it was like 5:15 when we left. We walked the entire distance… not that bad, but it looked closer than it actually was.

We showed up around 5:40… and sat in this really cool area of the restaurant. I had a bottle of Hall Cab, which was really nice. We all ordered filets with sweet corn and mashed potatoes. The waiter apparently had a profile on me from the last time I stayed at the hotel because he knew everything about me. He brought only the cab wine list, he had five jaeger shots and one goldschoger shot waiting for us when we arrived… and to top it off, he asked me how the red/black betting was treating me at the roulette tables… it was really weird (but made me realize why I like that hotel so much). So we finished dinner and decided to get a cab back to the Hotel before we went to Club Pure.

I watched as people gambled a little bit on the way through the Casino, but it was terrible, people kept losing their money. After a short run there, we walked to Caesar’s Palace to go to the Night Club Pure. The line was ridiculous, so it was a good thing that we got a table in advance. We waited a few minutes before we were in the front, and once we got in, Jimmy Little (who is 19) did not get into the club… the look on his face was priceless. So the rest of us went in without jimmy and most likely had the time of our lives. We got two bottles of grey goose because we were splitting the tab between the 5 of us… wasn’t that bad. We made chilled vodka shots to take because, well frankly, I was there. We finished our two bottles too quickly and had to get another one before we sobered up. Once I was drunk enough I went and found a cute little number and made out with her for a little while… we came back to the table to find security yelling and trying to wake up Royce. He was not waking up, so Sam Cole took him back to the Hotel, and left for the evening. Once my girl saw how we truly were (alcoholics), she left my ass. Chris had met a very ugly girl that invited him back to her place… and he left with her (against our advice) and had some more sex. Pretty funny that he fucked two different people the two nights we were in Vegas… But whatever, he takes MVP of the trip for sure.

So the only people left at the club were Peter Chandler and I. He made out with a married lady for a while, but couldn’t get her to go home with him, so we left the club around 4:30. On the way back, I was feeling it again, and took out some money… I bet 300 on black (so Peter says) and it hit… I woke up with another 600 in my pocket. Great weekend for roulette! Peter and I had some breakfast (room service) to celebrate the win. Royce and Sam were passed out in the room, Chris and Jimmy were no where to be found, and that was okay. Chris woke up in that girl’s room in another hotel, and Jimmy woke up in the hot tub at the Palms hotel.

Royce and Chris flew home Sunday morning because they had to play a round of golf with Chris’s parents at 2:00pm. They actually made their 9:45 flight (which is a miracle). Royce lost his wallet and it was really hard for him to get on the place… while they were checking him to see whether or not he was a terrorist, he apparently got a violent nose bleed that wouldn’t stop. They made him take off his shirt and use it as a towel. He was now shirtless and bloody from head to toe getting on the plane… hysterical. Apparently he got applause from the other people on the plane, and they kept asking him how crazy his weekend was. So the rest of us checked out around 11:30, got on the road and headed back to LA. We went out the dinner was Chris’s parents at the Bel Air Country Club, and tried to make ourselves look presentable. I don’t think that happened because they made fun of us the whole time.

So that was our weekend in summary. Alex Huffty Griswold will be joining us next weekend, so get ready for another one of these emails on Monday… be sure not to tell mother and father how much money I won… and that Chris fucks hookers…

I'm hungry...Let's grab some club

If you are like me, then you have a difficult time getting it right in the "club scene". There are so many variables to consider. Do I have too many or not enough paint splotches on my shirt? Is there a way to make my jeans darker and tighter? I see all these emo kids wearing women's jeans. In fact, a personal hero of mine, Ashlee Simpson is married to a conosseuer of this particular style. Is it still considered "cool" to buy women's jeans if you are buying them at Ann Taylor? Whatever the fashion is, I am never secure or comfortable in my own avatar.

When approaching a two-set in the club scene I always try to seem as fucked up as possible so that the ladies will know I party. However, it is a delicate dance to keep up a "this guy party's" image without getting pigeonholed  into the "this guy wants to rape me" category. If you, like me, sometimes teeter to far into the latter category then do what I do and wear Crocs everywhere. That way people will know you don't mean any harm, because they'll know you're gay.

If I am lucky enough to keno escalate with my target and bounce her to a second location, preferably my house, then I can get down to business. After offering the lady a Miller Chill or Bud Light Lime, its time to sit back and watch the sparks fly. And by sparks, I mean the movie adaptation of author Nicholas Sparks' award winning novel, The Notebook. If you are unable to get a copy of this movie, or have watched it so many times that the laser cannot read the disc anymore, then don't be scared to settle for The Fountain with Hugh Jackman. If you don't have either of these movies then you are just an idiot and shouldn't be out ruining my club scene.

The Adventures of the Couch and Me...

Noises vanish, and a rush of light comes rushing into my cornea. 

I don't understand where I am, or whom I am for that matter. Just when I realize that I was asleep, I'm already moving. Not to a beat or anything really... just my body reacting the normal way it does when you awake from a drunken slumber. 

I start to think, "Today is the day! Today is the day that I will finally do something." 

It's just then you realize the whole reason you woke up in the first place is because you fell asleep, yet again, on the couch. Your life isn't going anywhere... and in fact, it might be going the wrong direction. It's only then that you start to panic, and start to wonder all those things you were really thinking were real or fake. Turns out, it was just another dream... 

"How did I get here?"

"Where was I?"

"What time did I go to sleep?"

All valid points to wonder when Ol' Purple is holding your body in its gentle grasp. It holds me better than my own mother, at least when I'm awake. Falling asleep and waking up there is a completely different story.

It's as if past 4am your body and the couch enter into an battle of biblical proportions. The couch wants its rest for the day, but so does your body. After a long day at work, sitting... it's nice to come back to the couch... if only for a little while. The couch knows its purpose: a sitting/laying device. 

If you want somewhere to sleep, you'll need to go with a futon. We have one of those too, but he has been demoted to the outside area... for now. 

So it's then, around 4:49am, that the couch has finally had enough of your body laying on it. The couch decides to eat away at your rebuilding muscles, torn skin, and coughing body. By the time I wake up, I look far more left over than ever before. How is it that a full nights sleep on a couch can be worse than sleep at all. 

It's all a mystery to me... until I install hidden camera to see that couch beating my ass. 

First Post

Just wanted to see how this would look. First time blogger.